Co-Dependent No More

BY MELODY BEATTIE

In one line: An oldie but a goodie.

In one more line: If you’re unfamiliar with co-dependency, this is an excellent intro to it; in my experience, most relationships feature some degree of co-dependency that can often create lots of friction…worth the education.

CHAPTER 1:

⁃ QUOTE: “It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.” – Agnes Repplier, The treasure Chest

Chapter 2 — Stories:

⁃ CONCEPT: “I schedule my day, my priorities according to guilt.”

⁃ CONCEPT: Other people moods control your emotions and in turn, you try to control their feelings

⁃ CONCEPT: Co-dependency involves the effects these people have on us and how we in turn, try to affect them.

Chapter 3 — Defining co-dependency

⁃ CONCEPT: Definition — letting other people’s behaviors affect your own and in turn, trying to control those persons feelings, actions etc thru a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving towards ourselves and others that causes us pain and others pain

Chapter 4 — Co-dependent Characteristics:

⁃ QUOTE: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” — The Serenity Prayer

⁃ CONCEPT: Codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn’t get needs met

⁃ CONCEPT: Recovering from co-dependency involves learning one important behavior — taking care of yourself

Part 2 — Self-Care:

Chapter 5 — Detachment:

⁃ We cannot begin to work on ourselves, to live our own lives, feel our own feelings, and solve our own problems until we have detached from the object of our obsession

⁃ Worrying and obsessing keeps us tangled in our own head so we can’t solve our problems; we forfeit our power and ability to think, feel, act and take care of ourselves

⁃ Tendency to attach to problems and people

⁃ Detachment paragraphs on page 62-63 very very powerful

⁃ When to detach: can’t stop thinking, talking or worrying about someone or something; when our emotions are churning and boiling; when we feel like we have to do something about someone because we can’t stand it another minute; when we’re hanging on by a thread and it feels like that single thread is frayed; and when we believe we can no longer live with the problem we’ve been trying to live with, it is time to detach — a good rule of thumb is you need to detach when it’s seems the least likely or possible thing to do

Chapter 6 — Don’t Be Blow About by Every wind:

⁃ “I was like a puppet with strings hanging out, invite and allowing anyone or anything to yank them.”

⁃ “When we react we forfeit our personal, god-given power to think, feel and behave in our best interests. We allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset; and what we will say, do, think and feel.”

⁃ The way we respond after we react is often not in our best interest

⁃ There is little we need to do that we cannot do better if we are peaceful

⁃ Many of us react as though everything is a crisis because we have lived with so many crises for so long that crisis reaction has become habitual

⁃ We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth

⁃ When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do , they are not saying they don’t love you — they are saying they don’t love themselves

⁃ Usually things have far less to do with us than we think

⁃ 1) learn to recognize when you’re reacting, allowing someone to yank your strings; 2) make yourself comfortable — do whatever you have to to find peace in the midst of chaotic reaction 3) examine what happened and talk it out w others; 4) figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself

Chapter 7 — Set Yourself Free:

⁃ When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled, we forfeit our power to think, feel, act in our best interest

⁃ “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.”

⁃ People do what they want to do, feel how they want to feel, think what they want to think, do what they feel they need take and they will only change when they are ready to change

⁃ The only person you can now or ever will change is yourself

⁃ Detach. Surrender. Sometime we get what we want quickly and sometime we never get it when we do this; you don’t have to stop caring or loving, you don’t have to tolerate abuse; you don’t have to abandon constructive, problem-solving methods such as professional intervention; you only need to put your emotional, spiritual and physical hands back in your own pockets and leave people and things alone, let them be

Chapter 8 — Remove the Victim:

⁃ QUOTE: “Were so careful to see that no one gets hurt. No one, that is, but ourselves.”

⁃ Karpman Drama Triangle — co-dependents rescue, then persecute then become victimized — we rescue people from their responsibilities, later we get mad at them for what we’ve done and then we feel used and sorry for ourselves

⁃ Offering I requested help to people all the time; saying yes to things when you mean no

⁃ People are capable of handling their own feelings, you need to do what is best for you

⁃ We consistently giv more than we receive and then we feel abused because of it; we anticipate others needs and wonder why no one anticipates ours

⁃ We rescue because we don’t feel good about ourselves, we have low self worth so we can feel good, have power and worth— since we don’t feel good we have to PROVE how good we are to everyone all the time— this stems from childhood for me

⁃ Jesus asked people what they wanted from him and then would ask why too, he held people responsible for their behaviors

⁃ Giving is good but not giving till it hurts

⁃ Acts of kindness are not kind unless we feel good about ourselves, what we’re doing and the person we’re doing it for

⁃ Insist others ask you for what they want and need from you vs you assuming and giving/rescuing/caretaking

Chapter 9 — Undependence:

⁃ I’m not happy living with this person but I don’t think I can live without him or her. I cannot for some reason find it within myself to face the aloneness that every human must face or continue take run from: that of being responsible for taking care of myself

⁃ Needing people too much can cause problems; other people become the key to our happiness

⁃ Too much need drives people away and smothers love

⁃ Action — figure out how events from childhood are affecting our behavior today

⁃ Action 2 — nurture and cherish that frightened, vulnerable, needy child inside us. The child may never disappear, no matter how self-sufficient we become. Stress may cause the child to cry out. Unprovoked, the child may come out and demand attention when we least expect it

⁃ Action 3 — stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and we’ll being is inside us. Center yourself in yourself.

⁃ Action 4 — we can depend on ourselves — others may not have been there for us but we can be there for ourselves

⁃ Action 5 — depend on your spirituality for emotional security

⁃ Action 6 — strive for undependence, examine how you are emotionally dependent on others

Chapter 10 — Live Your Own Life:

⁃ The quickest way to sanity and happiness is to focus on your own affairs

⁃ Just because life has been this painful so far doesn’t mean it has to keep hurting

⁃ Self-Care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says I am responsible for myself, for leading and living my life (p114-115 — VERY IMPORTANT — self care and responsibility)

⁃ Most co-dependents don’t ask for what they want or need (family problem)

⁃ In any given situation, detach and ask “what do I need to do to take care of myself?”

⁃ Eliminate shoulds from our decisions and trust ourselves

⁃ Forgive when we make mistakes, congratulate when we do well

⁃ We think we have to do things for people to get and keep their friendships so we never say no

⁃ We have such a need to be perfect and avoid shame that we cannot allow anyone to tell us we’ve done something wrong because it will annihilate us; perfectionism, don’t allow ourselves to feel good about the things we do

⁃ Initiating relationships with people who are not good for us

⁃ How we feel and what we tell ourselves about ourselves is what makes the difference

⁃ P125 — VERY IMPORTANT — Excerpt on self judgment

Chapter 12 – Learn the Art of Acceptance:

⁃ “Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice. Love must have compassion which means to bear with or to suffer with a person. Compassion does not mean to suffer because of the injustice of a person. Yet injustice is often suffered repeatedly by families of alcoholics/_______ (OR fill in the blank).”

⁃ P131 note on marriage / wedding vows — this is where problems can start if not taken truly in good faith

⁃ If we are ever to replace our lost dreams with new dreams and feel sane and peaceful again, we must accept reality

⁃ Acceptance is the ultimate paradox: we cannot change who we are until we accept ourselves the way we are

⁃ 5 stages of grieving: 1) Denial — the shock absorber for the soul and natural reaction to pain and loss and change 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression 5) acceptance

⁃ Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void of all feelings. It’s as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over

⁃ As we go through the stages of grief, we often feel confused, vulnerable, lonely, and isolated. A sense of loss of control is usually present, as is hope, which is sometimes unrealistic r

Chapter 13 — Feel Your Own Feelings:

⁃ QUOTE: When I repress my emotions my stomach keeps score…” — John Powell

⁃ Co-D of the lose touch w emotional part of themselves; sometimes withdraw emotionally to avoid being crushed, being vulnerable is dangerous

⁃ We spend so much time trying to fix other feelings but often don’t even know what we’re feeling and if we do, we dont know what to do to fix our feelings; most have abandoned or never taken responsibility for our emotions

⁃ If we make feelings go away, if we push them away, we lose an important part of us and our lives

⁃ Our emotions can trick us, can lead us into situations where our heads tell us not to go.

⁃ The main reason to not repress feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose our positive feelings; we lose the ability to feel

⁃ Feelings are emotional energy; they are not personality traits

⁃ PROCESS — Submitting your feelings to your intellect, reason, mortal and behavioral code of ethics — 1) feel the feelings and let the energy pass thru your body 2) then “deal with your feelings” — examine thoughts that go with it, accept without repression/censorship 3) then decide whether there is a next step — this is where the judging happens — evaluate the situation then choose a behavior in line w our moral code and ideal of self-care; if you are in doubt about what to do, give it time and detach

⁃ Feelings are indicators and motivators, watch for patterns

⁃ Disaster thinking — shoulds, awful, always, never — thinking negative about something and it will never get better—makes feeling far more intense than necessary

⁃ If your feelings are inappropriate, discuss them with other people

⁃ Emotional honesty — sharing of persistent, deep feelings

Chapter 14 — Anger:

⁃ P154-55 — re-read — myths on feeling angry

⁃ it’s okay to be and to feel anger; the work is done on how we handle the emotion

⁃ When people ask what’s wrong we say “nothing I feel just fine.”

⁃ Unpleasant feelings are like weeds. They don’t go away when we ignore them; they grow wild and take over

⁃ “I don’t trust people who never get mad. People either get mad or get even.”

⁃ We shouldn’t make or not make decisions based on whether or not someone else might get angry — is not our responsibility to worry about others feelings

⁃ “I feel anger when you do this because…”

Chapter 15 — Yes, You Can think:

⁃ Indecision/small decisions create horrors for co-D

⁃ Learn to love trust and listen to yourself

⁃ P166-167 — methods for improving decisiveness and decision making processes

Chapter 16 — Set Your Own Goals:

⁃ QUOTE: “Believe that life is worth living and your belief will create the fact. Be not afraid to live.” — William James

⁃ “Success requires heart and soul effort and you can only put your heart and soul into something you really desire.” – David Schwartz

⁃ Goals give us direction and purpose

⁃ Your goals make it into your subconscious mind; your subconscious mind is always in balance, your conscious is not unless I tune with your subconscious

⁃ Goal setting p171-173 — good exercises — omit the shoulds, be patient, let go/don’t obsess, do your best one day at a time, be patient

Chapter 17 — Communication:

⁃ p181 on communication

⁃ Being indirect, not saying what we mean and meaning what we say

⁃ Learned communication it’s not okay to talk about problems p181

⁃ Whenever the answer is no, start with NO instead of I don’t think so, or maybe

⁃ Learn to say “this is what I think” when sharing an opinion w someone, “this is what I want from you” “this is what I need from you”

⁃ “I love you but I love me too. This is what I need to do take care of myself.”

⁃ “I don’t want to discuss this”

⁃ “This is as far as I go, the limit, I will not tolerate this.”

⁃ “I’m sorry you’re having that problem, what do you need from me.?”

⁃ BOOK: Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?

⁃ BOOK: How to be an assertive (not aggressive) woman in life, in love and on the job

Chapter 18 — The 12 Step Program:

⁃ The 12-step program (amended / reworded for personal relevance based on interpretation):

1. We admit we cannot control other people’s behaviors (particularly loved ones or close friends, especially when comes to substance usage) and we are powerless over those substances — they make life unmanageable (May engender despair)
2. Came to believe that a power greater than us could restore us to sanity (brings hope)
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power (however or whatever we personally understand and belief that higher power to be in our lives, if any at all)
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves
5. Admitted to a higher power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
6. We’re ready to have a higher power remove these defects of character (realizing a lot of what we do to protect ourselves hurts us and possibly others)
7. HUMBLY asked higher power to remove our shortcomings
8. Made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to all
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it
11. Sought through meditation (or prayer) to improve our conscious contact with there universe as we understand it, asking for knowledge of its will to help us recover and the power to carry it out
12. Assuming a heightened spiritual state of mind after working thru these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principals in all our affairs

⁃ See underlined notes in rest of chapter

⁃ Adult children of alcoholics seems to be by far most relevant

Chapter 19 — Pieces and Bits:

DRAMA ADDICTION:

⁃ Many co-D addicted to problems and trying to solve others — fear and stimulation cause by other people’s problems becomes comfortable emotional experience — “excited misery” — we don’t need to get involved with other people’s problems

EXPECTATIONS:

⁃ Relinquish expectations about how we hope things will turn out and how we think people should behave so we can DETACH

⁃ STOP trying to control outcome of events

⁃ Rather than trying to get rid of all expectations (unrealistic), get them out in the open and talk to people about them to make sure/find out if on same page and/or realistic

⁃ Expecting different results from the same behaviors is insane; let go, see how things turn out, let things happen without forcing

⁃ Realize expectations belong to us and we are not always the boss

⁃ Re-read section on expectations — p208-209

FEAR OF INTIMACY:

⁃ Sometimes feel safer to be “unemotionally involved” than emotionally vulnerable, close and loving in our relationships; may feel safe not to love

⁃ Love and closeness challenge our biggest fears about who we are and whether it’s okay to be ourselves and about who others are and whether that’s okay

FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY:

⁃ Being financially responsible does not mean all things have to be equal; assuming FR is an attitude; means figuring out exactly what our responsibilities are and taking care of them and insist others be FR for themselves—includes becoming familiar w all areas of FR and deciding which tasks belong to who

⁃ Being financially dependent can trigger emotional dependency and vice versa; becoming FR can help undependence

FORGIVENESS:

⁃ Grudges and anger hurt us and others

⁃ Forgiveness creates tabula rasa, clears up guilt, brings peace and harmony, acknowledges humanness we all share, it’s okay I love you anyway

⁃ We need to be forgiving with ourselves before being forgiving w others

FUN:

⁃ Most people aren’t thinking about us, they’re worried about themselves and what we think of them

⁃ QUOTE: “Fun is taking time to celebrate being alive.”

LIMITS/BOUNDARIES:

⁃ Set limits on what we do to and for people; what we will allow; people need to know we have boundaries, it helps them and us

⁃ The things were sick of, can’t stand and make threats about, may be clues to boundaries we need to set and changes we need to make within ourselves

⁃ People may get angry about your boundaries bc they can’t use you anymore

⁃ Setting limits takes time and thought, enforcing them takes energy and consistency

PHYSICAL CARE:

⁃ Taking care of our emotional selves is connected to our bodies, the more we do the more our needs get met

PROFESSIONAL HELP:

⁃ Seek if can’t seem to solve problems or get unstuck by ourselves

STROKES:

⁃ Use hugging and touching that communicates positive energy—hugging triggers a major endorphin release in your brain

⁃ We all need and deserve compliments, accept them and let them touch your heart

⁃ Real love says “you’re having problems. I care, I’ll listen, but I won’t and can’t do it for you.

⁃ Real friendship says, “I think so highly of you that I’ll let you figure out how to do it for yourself. I know you can.”

TRUST:

⁃ We can trust ourselves and make good decisions about who to trust

SEX:

⁃ We may withdraw emotionally from our partner, be unwilling to be vulnerable or lack desire for them

⁃ We may not get needs met because we don’t ask

⁃ The sexual relationship will echo and reflect the overall tone of the relationship; it can become an area that we feel guilty and ashamed about, that we try to lie to ourselves about, “what’s wrong with me?”

⁃ Ask yourself, what is your sex life telling you about your relationship?

Chapter 20 — Learning to live & love again:

⁃ The two deepest desires people have are to love and to be loved, and to to believe they are worthwhile and know someone else believes that also

⁃ QUOTE: “To be happy we need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.”

⁃ We are responsible for initiating, maintaining and discontinuing relationships when appropriate

⁃ Much of recovery is finding balance in all areas of our lives, we need to watch the scales so they don’t tip too far to one side in measuring our responsibilities to ourselves and others; balance giving and receiving; find the line between letting go and doing our part; balance between solving problems and learning to live w unsolved problems and having things not go the way we hoped/expected; balance between letting go of expectations and remembering we are important people who deserve decent lives

⁃ ACTION: Honesty, openness, willingness to try — HOW, get honest, keep an open mind and become willing to try to do things differently and we will change

⁃ Change begins with awareness, then acceptance, then assertive action

⁃ ACTION: Choose one behavior to work on and when that becomes comfortable go to another item (we need to repeat an action 21 times to make it a habit)

⁃ Some of us may be trying to repair damaged but still alive relationships. Be patient. Love and trust are fragile, living entities. They do not automatically regenerate upon command if they have been bruised, or reappear if the other person solves their problems they had

⁃ Find people we enjoy loving—people who enjoy living us and challenge us to grow

⁃ QUOTE: “Everything from our pasts has prepared and propelled us to this moment; today prepares us for tomorrow. And it all works out for the good. Nothing’s wasted.”