In one line: Timeless insight that all of us can use no matter where we are in life; communication is at the crux of most of life’s problems and this delivers remarkable structure for ways to better communicate in every facet of our life.
Foreword:
⁃ ‘Ahisma’ — in India defined as nonviolence extending from Gandhi’s peaceful protests to Albert Schweitzer’s reverence for life — “DO NO Harm” is the first axiom of Ahisma
⁃ Poem: Words are windows (or they’re walls) by Ruth Bebermeyer
Chapter 1 — Giving from the heart:
⁃ QUESTION: What empowers us to stay connected to our compassionate nature even under the worst circumstances?
⁃ Nonviolence (Gandhi) — our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart
⁃ NVC — a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart
⁃ Instead of automatic habitual reactions, our words become conscious responses based on awareness of what we’re perceiving, feeling and wanting; we’re led to express honestly and clearly while also paying respectful empathetic attention to others
⁃ When we focus on what is being observed, felt and needed rather than in diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our compassion.
⁃ This helps us keep our attention on a place where we are more likely to get what we seek
⁃ STORY: Man on all 4s searching for keys under a street lamp, police asks if he dropped them there and he says no in the alley but the light is much better here; conclusion being that cultural conditioning leads us to focus attention on places where we’re unlikely to get what we want
⁃ NVC Components:
- Observations
- Feelings
- Needs
- Requests
2 parts — expressing honestly through these 4 and receiving empathetically through them
Chapter 2: Communication that blocks compassion:
QUOTE: “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. For as you judge others, so you will yourselves be judged.” — Holy Bible, Matthew 7:1
Life-Alienating communication
⁃ moralistic judgments — imply wrongness in part of people who don’t act in line w our values (you’re lazy, selfish, etc)
⁃ Blame, insults, labels, criticisms, comparisons and diagnoses all form of judgment
⁃ The world of judgments, our concerns center on “who is what”
IDEA: Shift attention to what we and others need and are not getting rather than classifying, analyzing and labeling
⁃ Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values
⁃ We make moralistic judgements about people who fail to serve our value judgements
⁃ Value judgments — reflect our beliefs of how life can be best served
⁃ Example: instead of saying “violence is bad.” I might say “I’m fearful of those who use violence to resolve conflicts; I value resolution of human conflict through other means.”
⁃ There is far less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures that label each other as good or bad and believe that the bad ones deserved to be punished (in 75% of tv programs shown during hours when American children are most likely to be watching the hero either kills or beats people up, which teaches us that bad guys deserved to be punished and we take pleasure in watching the violence)
⁃ Classifying and judging promotes violence
⁃ If you have a sincere desire to make life miserable, learn to compare yourself to others
⁃ Denial of responsibility — language obscured awareness of personal responsibility; (“you make me feel guilty” is an example of how language facilitates denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts)
IDEA: We can replace language (like “I have to cook when I go home but I hate cooking”) that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice
⁃ We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think and feel
REREAD: George Bernanos excerpt on destruction of man p21/22
⁃ We cannot make people do anything
⁃ Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassion
⁃ Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling or needing; it has deep philosophical and political roots and leave us questioning whether there is something wrong with whatever feelings and needs we experience; we learn early to cut ourselves off from what’s going on within ourselves
⁃ When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves or underlings
BOOK: Eichman in Jerusalem
BOOK: How to make yourself miserable
QUOTE: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” — Rumi, Sufi Poet
Chapter 3 – Observing without evaluating:
RE-READ: Marshall Rosenberg poem on what u did or didn’t do (P25)
⁃ The first component of NVC entails separation of observation from evaluation; make our observation clear without evaluating; combining them decreases probability others will hear our intended message, rather they hear criticism and resist
⁃ Discourage Evaluations that are static generalizations and rather based on specific time and context
⁃ Our labels limit our perception of the totality of another persons being
Chapter 4 — Identifying and Expressing Feelings:
⁃ The first part of NVC is observe without evaluating
⁃ 2nd part is express how we are feeling
⁃ Our repertoire of words for calling names often larger than vocab of words to clearly describe our emotional states
⁃ “I feel THAT” = an opinion not feeling
⁃ Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts
⁃ Distinguish feelings from thoughts (I feel that, like if; I, you, he, she, they; names or nouns referring to people—these are thoughts)
⁃ Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are (when we’re expressing a feeling we don’t need the word feel, ie im feeling irritated vs I’m irritated)
⁃ Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us
⁃ Words like good and bad prevent others from connecting easily to what we might really feel
Chapter 5 — Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings:
QUOTE: “People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” — Epictetus
⁃ What others do may be the stimulus but not the cause of our feelings; our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our needs and expectations in that moment
⁃ Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values; when others hear criticism, the invest energy in self defense or counterattack; the more we connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately; it can be frightening to reveal our needs because the world judges us harshly for it
FOUR Options for receiving negative messages:
- Blame ourselves (guilt, shame, depression)
- Blame others
- Sense our own feelings and needs
- Senses others feelings and needs
⁃ Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel…because I need….”
⁃ Distinguish between giving front the heart and being motivated by guilt
⁃ If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met
⁃ If we want people to respond compassionately, don’t express needs by interpreting or evaluating their behavior
⁃ Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs; rather think about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled (p53)
QUESTION: What is your needing and what would you like to request from me in relation to your needs?
⁃ if we don’t value our needs, others may not either
⁃ Growing up economically impoverished and being admonished when asking for things created fear that asking for what we needed would lead to disapproval and judgment
Emotional slavery to emotional liberation:
Stage 1: emotional slavery — we believe we are responsible for others feelings; we must strive to keep all happy; if not, we feel responsible and compelled to do something to try and make them happy which may lead us to see people close to us as burdens.
⁃ some may experience love as denial of their own needs to attend to the others
Stage 2: obnoxious stage — awareness of high cost of assuming responsibility for others feeling and accommodating them at our own expense; when we realize how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others feelings
⁃ we can learn to empathize when people are upset without taking responsibility for their feelings
Stage 3: emotional liberation — take responsibility for our intentions and actions; respond to others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt or shame; our actions become fulfilling to us and others; we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others; this entails stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled
Chapter 6 — Requesting That Which would enrich life:
⁃ Request using positive language vs request what we are not requesting; can lead to confusion of what you actually want and more likely to provoke resistance
⁃ Focus on what we do want or what to say vs what we don’t want or what not to say
⁃ Make requests as specific as possible
JOKE/PARABLE: Man falls in a lake and is drowning; yells to his dog lassie to “get help”; next thing you know she’s laying on a psychiatrists couch (reinforcing the idea of vague like “get help” vs specific requests)
⁃ Vague and abstract language can mask oppressive interpersonal games
⁃ Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want
⁃ We often indicate how we want others to feel or be without naming concrete actions that can be taken to reach that state
⁃ We’re depressed because we’re not getting what we want and we’re not getting it because we we’re never taught to get what we want; we’re taught to be “good kids” or “good mothers/fathers” — depression is the reward we get for being “good”
Making Requests Consciously:
⁃ When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do; we are often not conscious of what we are requesting
⁃ Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speakers feelings and needs (ie: it sounds like you’re scared we might miss our plane and upset because you’d like a faster train to get us to the terminal)
⁃ The clearer we are on what we want the more likely it is we get it
⁃ To make sure the message we sent is what’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back
⁃ Express gratitude when your listener tried take meet your request for a reflection; empathize w those who don’t want to reflect back
⁃ The purpose isn’t to question someone’s listening skills but to make sure we’re expressing ourselves clearly
Requesting Honesty:
⁃ After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know what the listener is feeling; what they are thinking or whether they’d be willing to take a particular action
⁃ “I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said and your reasons why you feel that way.”
⁃ “I’d like you to tell me if you think my proposal would be successful or not and if not, what you think would prevent it’s success
⁃ “I’d like to know if we can postpone our meeting for a week.”
⁃ We must be conscious of the specific form of honesty we’d like to receive and make the request in concrete language
Making Requests of a Group:
⁃ In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re looking for
⁃ “I’m confused, Would you be willing to say what response you’re looking for from ya?”
⁃ “Bas” (pronounced “bus”) in India means you need not say more, I am satisfied and ready to move on. We can benefit from promoting bas-consciousness in all our interactions
Requests v. demands
⁃ Our requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they don’t comply; when someone’s hears a demand they see two options — submit or rebel no
⁃ If we have a history of blaming, punishing or laying guilt on others it’s more likely they’ll view our requests as demands; and it’s more like to carry this bagged to every subsequent relationship
⁃ To tell if it’s a demand or request, observe what the speaking does if the request is not complied with
⁃ It’s a demand if the speaker criticizes or judges if you don’t comply
⁃ The more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us
⁃ We can help others trust our requests by indicating we only want them to comply if they can do so willingly; empathize with people and their needs when they don’t agree to the request
Defining our objective when making requests:
⁃ NVC process designed who would like others to change respond differently but only if they choose to do it on their own and w compassion
⁃ The objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy
⁃ When we give people labels, we tend to act in a way that contributes to the very behaviors that concerns us
⁃ The purpose of requests is to make clear what we want from each other to enrich our lives avoiding vague, abstract or ambiguous phrasing and using positive action language and don’t ask or state what we don’t want
Chapter 7 — Receiving Empathetically:
⁃ we turn the NVC process around to hear what others are saying — two parts of NVC — expressing honestly and receiving empathetically (a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing)
⁃ Hearing goes beyond listening with your ears and understanding with your mind; empathy is emptying your mind and listening w your whole being; it occurs when we have shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them
⁃ Ask before giving advice or reassurance or explaining your own position/feelings
⁃ “Don’t just do something, stand there.” — Buddha
⁃ BOOK: When bad things happen to good people
⁃ Believing we have to “fix” situations and make others feel better prevents us from being present; intellectual understanding blocks empathy
⁃ The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are present with the other and what they’re experiencing; this quality of presence distinguishes empathy from mental understanding or sympathy
⁃ No matter what words people use, try to listen for their observations, needs, feelings and requests
⁃ Listen to what people are needing vs what they are thinking
⁃ Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged
⁃ Only paraphrase if it contributes to greater compassion and understanding
⁃ Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs
⁃ QUOTE: “‘What will they think of me?’ Must be put aside for bliss.” — Joseph Campbell
⁃ A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life
⁃ By maintaining our attention on what’s going on with others, gives them a chance to fully explore and express themselves
⁃ We know we’ve given adequate empathy when we sense a release of tension or they stop talking; don’t be afraid take ask “is there more you wanted to say?”
⁃ QUOTE: “The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what’s happening outside.” – Dag Hammarskjold — UN Secretary-General
⁃ We need empathy to give empathy
Chapter 8 — The Power of Empathy:
⁃ When someone really hears you without passing judgment, or trying to take responsibility for you, or trying to mold you, it feels damn good
⁃ Empathy allows us to reperceive our world in a new way
⁃ Often the answer is just listen, don’t do anything else
⁃ It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status or resources
⁃ The more we empathize with others, the safer we feel
⁃ In situations of pain, get the empathy necessary to go beyond the thoughts occupying our heads and recognize your deeper needs
⁃ We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs
⁃ Rather than put your “but” in front of an angry person, empathize
⁃ When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters
⁃ It may be difficult to empathize with those closest to us
⁃ Empathizing w someone’s no protects us from taking it personally
⁃ To bring a conversation back to life, interrupt w empathy
⁃ People seldom realize that empathy is what they’re needing and that more likely to get it by expressing and feelings and need vs recounting past injustice and hardship
⁃ What keeps the listener bored the speaker too
⁃ Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt than pretend to listen
⁃ I continue to be amazed by the healing power of empathy. People transcend the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when they have sufficient context with someone who can hear them empathetically. As listeners, what’s essential is to be present take whats going on within—to the unique feelings and needs a person is experiencing in that moment.
Chapter 9 — Connecting compassionately with ourselves:
⁃ NVC most important use may be self-compassion
⁃ We forget the “special thing” we are; use NVC to evaluate ourselves in ways that engender growth vs self-hatred
⁃ Healthy change is stimulated by motivation to enrich life vs destructive energies like shame and guilt
⁃ Avoid shoulding yourself; we weren’t meant to succumb to should and have to, and even if we do, our actions arise from energy absent of joy
⁃ When we say someone is wrong or bad what we really mean is they’re not acting in harmony with our needs
⁃ Self judgments like all, are tragic expressions of unmet needs
⁃ NVC mourning — connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions we now regret
⁃ Moralistic self judgments tend to obscure possibilities for meeting our needs and perpetuate self punishment
⁃ NVC self forgiveness = connecting the need we were trying to meet when we took the action we now regret
⁃ We are compassionate with ourselves when we embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize our needs and values
⁃ Take actions out of the desire to contribute to life and embrace play rather than out of fear, guilt, shame or obligation
⁃ Live our lives out of joyous play by staying grounded im a clear awareness of the the life enriching needs behind all we do
⁃ IDEA: Translating have to to choose to exercise on page 136 — “I choose too…because I want…”
⁃ Be conscious of the needs behind all your choices
⁃ The recognition that we have chosen to use our power to serve life and do it successfully brings us the genuine joy of celebrating ourselves in a way that approval from others can never offer
⁃ Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval (extrinsic rewards society has conditioned us to pursue), and by fear, shame or guilt — you are paying a steep price for them
⁃ The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things “because were supposed to”
Philoso-Feed 