A Memo on Radical Self-Acceptance

“The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of not belonging.”

– mOTHER TERESA

The intent of this memo is to offer some thoughts on how we can begin to better love & accept ourselves. Self-acceptance has been my achilles’ heel since before birth, providing plenty of inspirational fodder. Over the last couple months this has continuously come into focus as the tide rolled in pulling me back out to sea into rough waters. As I’ve talked to more humans about the struggle of relationship with self, it became abundantly clear that this is a ubiquitous societal challenge. Awakening compassion for ourselves is often the greatest hurdle on the spiritual journey. I was fortunate enough to have a dear friend take me through multiple intensive coaching sessions that unearthed a number of potent insights that left me feeling compelled to share with the world. In addition, I was prompted to revisit my notes from Tara Brach’s ‘Radical Acceptance’ and have included those for reference as well.

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

1. Why is it so hard to love and accept ourselves as we are?
2. An anecdotal story from ‘Radical Acceptance’
3. Awareness & acknowledgment
4. 10 Insights to foster greater self-love & acceptance
5. Notes from ‘Radical Acceptance’ by Tara Brach

Why is it so hard to love and accept ourselves as we are?

Feeling that something is wrong with me is the invisible and toxic gas I am always breathing…”the trance of unworthiness” – being trapped and unable to perceive the truth of who we really are.

– Radical Acceptance

To set the stage, it felt necessary to first talk about why self-love is so difficult for me. Like most of our problems in life, the foundations for not loving ourselves have long been rooted in our childhood experiences. Here are some examples…

“The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, and although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, and conceptions confused, and our body tricked with medication. But someday our body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child, who still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth.”

– alice miller

Reason #1: My father left when I was four years old and quickly became a transient parent who was only around when it was convenient for him. He frequently skipped his “shared custody” dates and even when he was around, a toxic influence flooding our dopamine receptors with junk food, profanity, rated R films, video games, useless consumerism, late nights, alcohol, and other things kids who were 5-10 years old had no business being around. Eventually, his tactics of trying to “buy our love” wore off as we grew older, he became resentful and alienated me and my siblings with red-pen letters and vitriol.

Conclusive Limiting Belief: If my father doesn’t love or care about me, why would anyone else bother to care about me and how can I possibly love myself? No one loves me, I’m not worthy of love.

Reason #2: We grew up with an incredibly dedicated, loving, hard-working, and amazing mother, but she was a single mom with four kids who were chaotic, defiant, always in trouble, rule-breakers, and into alcohol & drugs at an early age, The older I get, the more I can imagine what an impossibly difficult task it must be to raise four kids on your own with extremely constrained financial resources & community/familial support. And yet I don’t think I will ever be able to truly grasp the magnitude & pressure of that responsibility. The lack of support and resources often led to us being the odd ones out–showing up late and/or unprepared, hitching rides, borrowing phones, asking for help, and so much more. The corresponding shame and embarrassment is something I’ve carried for most of my life.

Conclusive Limiting Belief: I’m worthless, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself, I have nothing to offer and am a taker.

Reason #3: When you grow up in conditions that do not encompass giving and receiving love or set an example, it leads to an ineptitude in your adult relationships w.r.t love.

Conclusive Limiting Belief: I am not capable of giving or receiving love and I don’t deserve it.

Reason #4: Lack of mentorship or adult-figure to show care and belief in you in any way–someone indicating that they see something special in you. When the majority of adult figures in your life mostly put you down, express doubt in your abilities, and criticize you for everything you do wrong without praising when you do something good, you begin to see a pattern and believe it to be true. The reality is that I was shorter than almost everyone, not a great athlete, not super-skilled in any one thing, not the smartest, not the best-looking and lacked confidence. But, I have the heart & grit of a warrior and I have always been willing to put in more effort than everyone else…I unfortunately only realized the value in this much later in life. The good news is, it’s never too late.

Conclusive Limiting Belief: No one ever believed in me, so why would I believe in myself? I am not good at anything and don’t have any skills. The only way to get through is to do it alone, try to believe in yourself, and prove everyone wrong. I can’t trust or rely on anyone else.

These are just a handful of classical examples that I’m sure millions of kids are experiencing in this very moment.

An anecdotal story from ‘Radical Acceptance’

‘Chris grew up in a house receiving no praise or even anyone saying “good job”. His parents didn’t seem to enjoy his brightness or humor, barely noticed his musical talents–he could play almost any instrument. He recalls a painful incident from when he was 5. His parents were talking in the living room for a long time. He felt left out. Hoping to get attention, he started playing his new accordion to perform for them. They got annoyed and told him to play in his bedroom. When he didn’t move, they went to their bedroom and shut the door. He stood outside their door and played and played. They may have been trying to teach him a lesson, but he felt humiliated and abandoned. Finally, he curled up on the floor and went to sleep.

By the time Chris started psychotherapy, he had studied with several spiritual teachers, moving from one to the next, because he had never felt seen by them. With his most recent, he found himself feeling very young and insecure. He tried to gain favor by playing guitar at the temple’s social gatherings and showing off his knowledge in kabbalah classes. Whenever possible, he’d spark conversation with the rabbi who was perfectly friendly in response, but Chris never got the sense that he mattered, that the rabbi would even notice if he wasn’t there.

Chris believed that if he did not stand out as a special person, he was worthless. The need to be “number one” extended to dating, friendship, and work. Unless he was the center of attention, he felt he was being overlooked or rejected. Admitting this was embarrassing–he felt something was wrong with him for being so dependent on outside recognition. Chris was afraid of his neediness and insecurity would prevent him from ever finding love in his life. He felt it would drive women away. He had learned how to hold back from making overt demands or asking for reassurances. The intensity of his unfulfilled desires made him feel that he was unappealing and deserved to be rejected.’

Our sense of self emerges from the ground level of all experience. If you’re a parent (I am not but aspire to be one day), this is an invitation to embrace your children for who they are. Foster their interests, skills, and abilities with books and experiences. Embrace who they are, not who you vicariously want them to be or never were but always wanted to be. See them. Love them. Cherish them. Acknowledge them.

Awareness & acknowledgment

The key is bringing awareness and life to how our experiences of the past color our present and acknowledging they happened. Become curious about how being our own biggest critic instead of our own biggest fan is holding us back in different aspects of life.

“Don’t turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.”

– Rumi

I believe that a lack of compassion and love for myself is the number one thing holding me back from getting everything I want in life. I often feel incapable of seeing in myself what other’s see in me. I like to change the subject or pretend like I didn’t hear someone when they give me a compliment. It’s easy to ignore how we may subconsciously be seeking validation from others, saying yes when we mean no, committing to things that are out of alignment, constantly sacrificing ourselves for others, and spreading ourselves too thin. I have cannibalized my romantic relationships through all such behaviors, leading to regret, shame, strife, heartbreak, and frustration. My hope is that this memo can give you a few extra ounces freedom and awareness that ultimately helps you find a deeper love for yourself.

“The unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering.”

Carl Jung

10 Insights to foster greater self-love & acceptance

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can begin to change.”

– Carl Rogers

1. Shift your core values so they reflect who you want to be and how you wan to show up in the world…”Self-Acceptance” has become my number one core value to guide how I will live my life and make decisions going forward. Honoring my “NO’s” and prioritizing my own needs before sacrificing myself for others.
2. You are the only person who determines your worth. Others treating you poorly is not a reflection of your worth, but rather an indication of their own inner pain & suffering.
3. Being sad or depressed does not make you weak. And you don’t have to go it alone. The people that truly love and care about you will be there for you without judgment through the good times and the bad. So lean in, and accept yourself.
4. Choose to believe that everyone is capable of unconditional love.
5. Making a mistake does not make you any less worthy of love. Imperfection is an inevitability of existence.
6. The biggest tragedy of life is that freedom is there for most of us and yet we pass our years trapped in the same old patterns.
7. The more deeply we feel flawed and unlovable, the more desperately we run from the clutches of the shadow. Yet by running from what we fear, we feed the inner darkness.
8. Every human life is fundamental to existence and the universe does not have any miscalculations, regardless of peoples’ intentions. You are NOT a mistake.
9. When you inescapably fail, be culpable for your role and then honor yourself for taking ownership. What happens doesn’t matter as much as how we treat ourselves and others in response to the event.
10. Replace your limiting beliefs were new ones, like rewriting the software in your brain and start to incorporate those beliefs through daily reminders, mantras, and meditations.

“This revolutionary act of treating ourselves tenderly can begin to undo the aversive messages of a lifetime.”

– Tara Brach

Remember that you are a miraculous gift to this world. The probability of you being born at the time you were born, with your parents and genes is 1/400 Trillion…basically the chances of you existing are zero, yet here you are. Every human has something unique. The purpose of life is to discover that which is unique to you. The meaning of life is to give that uniqueness away. It all starts with acknowledging that and learning to love ourselves with all our flaws and limitations.

“ME: Listen. Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”– Glennon Doyle

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CREDIT: Tim Ferriss’ 5-Bullet Friday

Notes from ‘Radical Acceptance’ by Tara Brach

In one line: A top ten read for attaining perspective, integration of Buddhist principles in practical terms, and learning to accept life as it comes.

Sadhana = a spiritual discipline (p9)

“The problem is that the ego can convert anything to its own use, even spirituality.” – Chögyam Trungpa (p10)

Living in the future creates the illusion that we are managing our life

“Staying on top of what’s wrong with us gives us the sense that we are controlling our impulses, disguising our weaknesses, and possibly improving our character.” (P17)

The First Noble Truth on suffering – ‘all suffering or dissatisfaction arises from a mistaken understanding that we are a separate and distinct self.'(p19)

Our enjoyment is tainted by anxiety about keeping what we have and our compulsion to reach out and get more. (P27)

We cant honestly accept an experience unless we see clearly what we are accepting. (P28)

Buddhism – “clear comprehension” = accepting awareness

There is a difference between actions and decisions that arise from radical acceptance and those that reflexively spring from our grasping after certain outcomes and our fear of certain consequences. (P40)

Buddhism – our habitual perception of self is a mental construct–the idea of an identity who causes things to happen, who is victimized, who controls the show (“anatta” = no self”)

Buddhism – meditation – Vipassana – means to see clearly in Pali, the language of the Buddha

“The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.” (p44)

Radical Acceptance = the two wings of awareness/clear recognition and compassionate presence

When we pause, we don’t know what will happen next. But by disrupting our habitual behaviors, we open to the possibility of new and creative ways of responding to our wants and fears. Taking our hands off the controls and pausing is an opportunity to clearly see the wants and fears that are driving us. During the moments of pause, we become conscious of how the feeling that something is missing or wrong keeps us leaning into the future, on our way somewhere else. This gives us a fundamental choice in how we respond; we can continue our futile attempts at managing our experience, or we can meet our vulnerability with the wisdom of radical acceptance. (P52)

Often the moment when we most need to pause is exactly the moment it feels most intolerable to do so. (P52)

The “secret” of spiritual life is the capacity to “…return to that which we have spent a lifetime hiding from, to rest in the bodily experience of the present moment–even if it is a feeling of being humiliated, of failing, of abandonment, of unfairness.” Through the sacred art of pausing, we develop the capacity to stop hiding, to stop running away from our experience.” – Zen teacher, Charlotte Joko Beck (p53)

As happens in any addiction, the behaviors we use to keep us from pain only fuel our suffering. (P57)

Until we stop our mental busyness, stop our endless activities, we have no way of knowing our actual experience, but we know how to avoid it. (P62)

“How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races–the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses. Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are only princesses waiting for us to act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” – Rainer Maria Rilke (p66)

Even if only one person in a relationship practices pausing and opening with radical acceptance, this has the potential of freeing both from a painful impasse. (P67)

Pausing is the gateway to radical acceptance. In the midst of a pause, we are giving room and attention to life that is habitually overlooked. It is in this rest under the bodhi tree that we realize the natural freedom of our heart and awareness. Like the Buddha, rather than running away, we need only commit ourselves to arriving, here and now, with wholehearted presence. (P70)

We practice radical acceptance by pausing and then meeting whatever is happening inside us with this kind of unconditional friendliness. Instead of turning our jealous thoughts or angry feelings into the enemy, we pay attention in a way that enables us to recognizes and touch any experience with care. Nothing is wrong–what is happening is just “real life.”

Seeing and feeling the degree of suffering we are living with reconnects us to our heart (p80)

“A tiny bud of smile on your lips,” writes Thich Nhat Hanh, “nourishes awareness and calms you miraculously… your smile will bring happiness to you and to those around you.” (P84)

All our strategies of trying to control life through blaming or withdrawing are aimed at keeping us from the raw experience of just such a moment. If we pause, rather than getting lost in our reactive thoughts and actions, we become directly aware of what is happening in our body…with anger, the body tightens, the chest fills with an explosive feeling of pressure. With fear, we might feel the grip of knots in our stomach, the constriction in our chest or throat. If shame arises, our face burns, our shoulders slump, we feel a physical impulse to shrink back, to hide. Sensations in the body are ground zero, the place where we directly experience the entire play of life. (P95)

This was the Buddha’s promise: Mindfulness of the body leads to happiness in this life, and the fullness of spiritual awakening. (P97)

We experience our lives through our bodies whether we are aware of it or not. Yet we are usually so mesmerized by our ideas about the world that we miss out on much of our direct sensory experience. (P97)

The Buddha called our persistent emotional and mental reactivity the “waterfall” because were so easily carried away from the experience of the present moment by its compelling force. (P100)

Buddha called physical sensations the first foundation of mindfulness because they are intrinsic to feelings and thoughts and are the base of the process of consciousness. (P101)

We train to experience the body from the inside out. (P102)

What happens to pain when we don’t label it as such?

It is easy to feel that something bad will happen if we don’t maintain our habitual vigilance by thinking, judging, planning. Yet this is the very habit that keeps us trapped in resisting life. Only when we realize we can’t hold onto anything can we begin to relax our efforts to control our experience. (P103)

The Buddha taught that we suffer when we cling to or resist experience, when we want life different than it is. “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

“When you see and feel the sensations you are experiencing as sensations, pure and simple, you may see these thoughts about the sensations are useless to you at the moment and that they can actually make things worse than they need to be.” – Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn.

When we assess physical sensations as something to be feared, pain is not just pain. It is something wrong and bad that we must get away from. (P107)

When we abandon our body for our fear driven stories about the pain, we trap the pain in our body.

When pain is traumatic, the trance can become full blown and sustained. The victim pulls away from pain in the body with such fearful intensity that the conscious connection between body and mind is severed–dissociation (p108)

No matter how deeply we have been wounded, when we listen to the inner voice that calls us back to our bodies, back to wholeness, we begin our journey. (P115)

“The cure for the pain is in the pain.” – Rumi

By inhabiting our body with awareness, we reclaim our life and spirt. (P118)

When Buddha said craving causes suffering, he was referring not to our natural inclination to have wants and needs, but to our habit of clinging to experience that must, by nature, pass away. (P129)

While often uncomfortable, desire itself not bad–it is natural. Part of our survival equipment. Keeps us doing what we do to thrive. It motivates us. It provides the fuel for profound awakening. Its a problem when it takes over our sense of who we are. Buddha taught the Middle Way to guide us to relate to desire without getting possessed by it and without resisting it. (P131)

Buddha – “life is suffering.” Existence is inherently dissatisfying. We are uncomfortable because everything in our lives is constantly changing. We cant hold onto any particular moment. (P133)

Accomplishing things does temporarily stave off my feelings of inadequacy. Yet underneath, my wanting self urges on, fearful that without being productive ill lose everything, like the executive who switched to decaf. (P138)

“Men are not free when they are doing just what they like. Men are only free when they are doing what the deepest self likes.” – DH Lawrence; when we are motivated by immediate gratification to do “just what we like” we will feel continuously driven: No amount of productivity or consuming or recognition can break through the trance of unworthiness and put us in touch with the “deepest self.” As Lawrence points out, to do what the deepest self likes takes some diving. To listen and respond to our heart requires a committed and genuine presence. The more completely were caught in the surface world of pursuing substitutes, the harder it is to dive. (P139)

In India it is said that when a pickpocket sees a saint, they only see the saints pockets. If were taken over by craving/desire, no matter who or what is before us, all we can see is how it might satisfy our needs. This kind of thirst contracts our body and mind into a profound trance. (P140)

“We have been raised to fear…our deepest cravings. And the fear of our deepest cravings keeps them suspect, keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, and leads us to settle for…many facets of our own oppression.” – Audre Lorde (p143)

If we have been deeply deprived emotionally, the habits of clinging or full-blown addictive behaviors will most likely be persistent and strong. (P151)

Suffering only comes from being seduced by the demons or from fighting them (the story of Milarepa) p152

“What does my heart really long for?” (P160)

Our minds make associations with past experiences, producing endless stories reminding us of what bad things might happen and strategizing how to avoid them, living in fear. (P169)

In order to embark on a spiritual path we need faith that our own heart and mind have the potential to awaken. (P176)

Being genuninely awake in the midst of fear requires the willingness to actively contact the sensations of fear. “Leaning into fear.” (P185)

Leaning into fear does not mean losing our balance and getting lost in fear. Because our usual stance in relating to fear is leaning away from it, to turn and face fear directly serves as a correction. As we lean in, we are inviting, moving toward what we habitually resist. Leaning in allows us to touch directly the quivering, the shakiness, the gripping tightness that is fear.” Pause and ask yourself, what is asking for acceptance right now? What is happening? (P187)

The other side of resisting fear is freedom. When we stop tensing against life, we open to an awareness that is immeasurably large and suffused with love. (P190)

“Strange as it seems, he was the one who set in motion my whole spiritual unfolding….the pain of that experience–and all the times he hurt you–have been baptisms. They awoke in you a deep yearning for peace, for love…a yearning that’s guided you powerfully on the spiritual path.” (P191)

As we come to trust suffering as a gateway to compassion, we undo our deepest conditioning to run away from pain. Rather than struggling against life, we are able to embrace our experience, and all beings, with a full and tender presence. To cultivate the tenderness of compassion, we not only stop running from suffering, we deliberately bring our attention to it. (p200)

Whenever we wholeheartedly attend to the person were with, the tree in our yard, the squirrel on the branch, this living energy becomes an intimate part of who we are. “To pay attention means we care, which means we really love.” – J Krishnamurti; our hearts become more open and engaged when we pay attention. (P222)

As we train ourselves to see past surface appearances, we recognize how we are all the same. For Mother Teresa this meant that each person carries a spark of divinity. (P223)

The practice of intentionally reflecting on suffering–our own and that of others–is the basic form of Buddhist compassion meditations. (P226)

Without a genuine willingness to let in the suffering of others our spiritual practice remains empty. (P226)

Putting labels on people, extreme or subtle, makes the real human invisible to our eyes and closes our heart…Our capacity to look away from the realness and the suffering of others has horrendous consequences…Once someone is an unreal “other”, we lose sight of how they hurt. Because we don’t experience them as feeling beings, we not only ignore them, we can inflict pain on them without compunction. (P228)

When our hearts harden in defense, it does not mean we are failing. It just lets us know we need to befriend what’s happening inside us before compassion can naturally arise. (P235)

“Is there a greater miracle than to see through another’s eyes, even for an instant” – Thoreau (p239)

The more fully we offer our attention, the more deeply we realize that what matters most in life is being kind. As we open to the vulnerability of others, the veil of separation falls away, and our natural response is to reach out a helping hand. (P240)

‘When the animals come to us,

Asking for our help,

Will we know what they are saying?

When the plants speak to us

In their delicate, beautiful language,

Will we be able to answer them?

When the planet herself

Sings to us in our dreams,

Will we be able to wake ourselves, and act?

⁃ Gary Lawless, poet (p240)

“If you have come to help me, then you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your destiny is bound up with mine, then let us work together.” – An aboriginal Australian woman

“Like a caring mother

Holding and guarding the life

Of her only child,

So with a boundless heart

Hold yourself and all beings.”

⁃ Buddha

Each time we repeat to ourselves a story of how we’ve been wronged, we feel again in our body and mind the anger at being violated. But often enough our resentment of others reflects our resentment of ourselves. When someone rejects us they might be reinforcing a view we already hold–that we’re not good enough, not kind enough, not lovable enough. (P247)

Whether our anger or resentment is directed at another or at ourselves, the result is the same–it removes us from the deeper pain of our hurt and shame. As long as we avoid these feelings, we remain trapped in our armor, locked away from love for ourselves and others. (P250)

Before we practice LovingKindness Meditations (“LKM”), we first silently ask for forgiveness of anyone we have harmed, we may even want to focus on specific people (p260)

We maintain the intention to forgive because we understand that not forgiving hardens and imprisons our heart. If we feel hatred toward anyone, we remain chained to the sufferings of the past and cannot find genuine peace. (P262)

Our intention and willingness to forgive, to let go of resentment and blame, does not mean we excuse harmful behaviors or allow further injury. When we forgive, we stop rigidly identifying others by their undesirable behavior. Without denying anything, we open our heart and mind wide enough to see the deeper truth of who they are. We see their goodness. When we do, our hearts naturally open in love. (P264)

Practice pretending you’re seeing someone (you resent especially) for the last time. By letting go of our habitual ways of defining others, we can see the radiant awareness and goodness of their true nature. (P265)

LKM – “may you be happy. May you feel peace. May you be filled with lovingkindness. May you just accept yourself just as you are.” – repeat

Stay together, friends.

Don’t scatter and sleep.

Our friendship is made

Of being awake.

⁃ Rumi

I sought my god,

My god I could not see

I sought my soul,

My soul eluded me

I sought my brother

And found all three

⁃ Anonymous

To cover up the strong wants and fears we might feel in close relationships, we often hide behind our persona.

“There is sitting meditation. There is walking meditation. Why not listening and speaking meditation? Isn’t it sensible that one could practice mindfulness in relationship and so get better at it?” – Gregory Kramer

“It takes courage to tell the truth about how we feel, especially since we don’t ever really know how it will be received. But opening ourselves can also be a gift to others…it invites them to do the same.” (P292)

When we expose our own hurt or fear, we actually give others permission to be more authentic. In exposing vulnerability we are always taking a chance and sometimes might get hurt. What makes us willing is that the greater hurt, the real suffering, is in staying armored and isolated. (P294)

Kalyanna Mitta = Pali word for spiritual friends

By mirroring back to someone their goodness, we offer a priceless gift, and its blessings ripple out through a lifetime. (P301)

Some of our deepest awakenings happen through the intimate and loving connections that remind us most fully of who we are.

Although scriptures guide us and practices focus and quiet us, as the dervish suggested, the living experience of love reveals our intrinsic wholeness and radiance. Our life is embedded in an independent field of being and when we are relating consciously–when, as Rumi says, “our friendship is made of being awake”–the suffering of our personal trance dissolves. (P301)

Life’s difficulties are not owned or caused by an individual–our changing states of body and mind are influenced by myriad variables. – Buddha

When, in friendship, we release all distancing thoughts and ideas, when we behold each other with clarity and love, we nourish the seeds of liberation. (P303)

Radical Acceptance is the art if engaging fully in this world–wholeheartedly caring about the preciousness of life–while also resting in the formless awareness that allows this life to arise and pass away. (P321)

All that matters on this path of awakening is taking one step at a time, being willing to show up for just this much, touching the ground just this moment. (P324)