5 Love Languages for Men

BY: Gary Chapman

In One Line: A lot of simple, yet novel and easy ideas for improving communication and all aspects of a relationship…if you’re experiencing challenges or monotony, take a quick scan through this and see if you can get some good ideas to create a spark in your relationship.

1. Introduction:
2. Chapter 1 – How Many Languages Do You Speak?
3. Chapter 2 – Words of Affirmation:
4. Chapter 3 – Quality Time:
5. Chapter 4 – Gift Giving:
6. Gift Giving Ideas:
7. Chapter 5 – Acts of Service:
8. Chapter 6 – Physical Touch:
9. Strategies for Improving Physical Touch:
10. Chapter 7 – What’s Your Love Language?:
11. Identifying Your Own Love Language:
12. Chapter 8 – Troubleshooting:
13. Chapter 9 – Dealing with Anger:
14. Chapter 10 – The Art of Apologizing:

Introduction:

⁃ Anger is not a sin; what we do with anger is what matters

⁃ Mastering the art of the apology can bring closure to painful situations and conflicts

⁃ No matter what your partners love language is, you need to keep a list / reminders readily available that you see daily to reiterate and make an effort to speak their language

Chapter 1 – How Many Languages Do You Speak?

⁃ Gift Idea for your partner…create a book of 365 things you love about them with pictures

⁃ It’s not what you say, it’s the language you use; everyone has a love language, one of them is an express way to your spouses heart

⁃ 1) Words of Affirmation

⁃ 2) Quality Time

⁃ 3) Gift Giving

⁃ 4) Acts of Service

⁃ 5) Physical Touch

⁃ Men often pair up with partners who share primary love language; when they don’t, the “language barrier” creates tension in the relationship

⁃ Women long for their partner to speak to them in their primary love language

If you can’t use your partners primary love language, it doesn’t matter that you try your hardest or do lots of things, it won’t make them feel unique, special or loved

⁃ Becoming fluent in another love language is like mastering a golf swing, requires lots of practice and repetition and the right attitude

Chapter 2 – Words of Affirmation:

⁃ “The tongue has the power of life and death.” — King Solomon — the right words spoken at right time inspire great things

⁃ “I can live for 2 months on a good compliment.” — Mark Twain

⁃ When you give a nice compliment, they are nourishment, they hear I love you, you have value, you make a difference

⁃ It is important to learn to fill your partners love tank

⁃ Flattery is language of manipulation and has a goal and is NOT words of affirmation

⁃ The key of affirmation is sincerity and you need to believe what you are saying

⁃ Many people who need words of affirmation are also susceptible to being hurt by sarcasm and words of faint praise, or compliments in humor

⁃ Develop extensive knowledge and memory / appreciation of things by watching in stealth mode the things she does, says, way she interacts with other people, the thankless jobs she does and the way she makes your life and other people’s better — keep a list on your phone for ongoing reference — after delivering a compliment for something on the list, delete and keep a fresh supply of things to use

⁃ Look for ways to send words of affirmation thru the grapevine—talk her up when she’s not around, publicize her accomplishments and skills, direct your comments to people most likely to redirect back to her — look for these opportunities when around friends and others in public

⁃ Cue encouraging words to your partner to develop interests they already have; “if you set your mind to it, you’ll do it and you’ll be successful. Everything else you’ve done up to this point you’ve accomplished.”

⁃ Encouragement requires empathy, we must understand the world from your partners perspective and be able to show them you care, get it and will give them courage and support

⁃ Kindness is critical — make sure your words and tone are delivered in a loving way — many men are programmed to use words as knives and sarcasm — these tactics can be very bad for someone who’s language is words of affirmation

⁃ With your tone and attitude you are building intimacy that will improve your relationship but if delivered in a bad way will be received as condemnation

⁃ Work hard to see situations from your partners viewpoint and why they fee that way; if you’ve wronged her, admit it and ask for forgiveness and explain your real motivation kindly; YOUR GOAL MUST BE TO ACHIEVE UNDERSTANDING, NOT TO PROVE YOUR CORRECTNESS AND SUPERIORITY — become; ask if anything else you can do to alleviate the pain you’ve caused

Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs & failures, in marriage, we don’t always do the best thing; many people insist on bringing the failures of yesterday into the present, don’t let that be you.

⁃ Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a commitment, a choice not to hold the offense up against your partner, choosing to forgive because we love each other — together we’ll move forward from here

⁃ In a relationship, you must be equal partners and need to know what the other partner wants — these cannot come across as demands, but rather should come across as requests; demands suffocate the possibility of love being expressed through requests

⁃ Requests affirm your partners ability and worth / value and they get a choice to either oblige or not oblige your request

⁃ Words of affirmation–easy examples:

1. I like your hair that way
2. That’s a nice color on you
3. Compliment a different feature each day one week
4. Compliments that have to do with who she is — I meant to tell you I really loved how you talked with that older woman; I enjoy taking walks with you at night;
5. Add observations that may help identify interests and skills
6. Create a playlist for your wife — explain why you chose each song
7. Send an encouraging email especially if she is having a hard day with a link of an amusing website
8. Address problems you’ve had and try to clear the air
9. Thank her for things she does regularly that may often be overlooked

Chapter 3 – Quality Time:

⁃ 1,440 minutes / 86,400 seconds in one day

⁃ The right kind of time —

1. Right mindset — deep focus when together, give full attention; the activity doesn’t matter, it’s a vehicle for improving the relationship and indicates you enjoy doing things together

⁃ Quality conversation — understand what they have to say, ask questions, draw them out, take part in sympathetic dialogue

⁃ Your partner does not always want advice when talking about issues at work or in life, often just looking to know that you understand the hurt, the stress, the pressure, that you love her and you were with her and you understand what’s happening — LISTEN TO THE PAIN AND FRUSTRATION WITHOUT FORMULATING A SOLUTION

Many of us are trained to analyze situations and administer solutions vs. listening long enough to hear a cry for support–it’s a relationship with sympathetic listening–only give advice when it’s asked for.

⁃ Tips for better listening:

1. Eye contact;
2. Don’t do other things while she is talking —undivided attention—if you are doing something else say “I know you’re trying to talk to me and I am interested, but I want to give you my full attention. Can we talk about this in 10 mins so I can give that to you?”
3. Listen for feelings — what emotion is she experiencing — “it sounds like you’re feeling ______ (disappointed); gives her the chance to clarify what she’s feeling and confirm you are listening
4. Observe body language — ask again for clarification on feelings
5. Refuse to interrupt — refrain from defending yourself, hurling accusations or dogmatically sticking to your position
6. Open up — offer your thoughts and feelings; reveal yourself; self-revelation is often hard for many men because of ways they were treated as kids, were taught to deny our feelings and don’t acknowledge them
7. Keep track of the emotions you’re feeling each day once or twice by asking specific questions — “what did I feel when ____(I got that email) (ie: event / corresponding feeling) — keep this list ongoing and share them with your wife

Emotions are neither good or bad, rather our psychological response to events that happen in life.

⁃ Emotions are neither good or bad, rather our psychological response to events that happen in life

⁃ Quality activities — “I feel lost loved by my partner when _______.” (If emphasis is on being together then your language is quality time—need to do these things w a positive attitude together; doing things you don’t want to do for your partner)

⁃ Quality time phrase book:

1. Plan quality times according to your partners schedule; sacrifice something you love doing to be with your partner
2. Make lists of top 10 memories together and see where you overlap
3. Unlearn inattentiveness
4. Designate “planned togetherness”
5. Find activity you like to do that compliments things she likes to do
6. Surprise w tickets to a move you know they’d enjoy and ask for her review of the movie at a dinner after
7. Look for opportunities to take days off and do something spontaneous
8. Read aloud to each other and share books
9. Learn to Enjoy silence together
10. Share tasks like cleaning house and talk as you do together

Chapter 4 – Gift Giving:

⁃ If gift giving is not primary love language, it might not be met w the enthusiasm that you hope for

⁃ Don’t put the cart (gifts) before the horse (love) — it’s not about materialism

⁃ This is to demonstrate love and appreciation through gifts; this language is to remind us of special people and moments; and let our partner know you are thinking of them and what would make them happy

⁃ “I heard you say you wanted to try something new in the kitchen so I bought you a new cookbook.”

⁃ Great gift giving has nothing to do with its cost or worth; they can be purchased, found or made

⁃ Feeling cards or ones written on computer paper could be good symbols of your feelings

⁃ What is each of your financial orientation? (Ie saver, spender, investor, etc.)

⁃ When both peoples emotional needs are met, the relationship will be successful; think of gifts as emotional investments

⁃ Gift of self — being there for each other when need each other most

⁃ Physical presence in time of crisis is the symbol of love

⁃ Verbalize your feelings and what’s important to us

Gift Giving Ideas:

⁃ Create a list of gifts for your spouse or ask people who know your partner well of what might be a good idea

⁃ 12 days of gifts for an anniversary or birthday or special event, little things like pictures or symbolic things

⁃ Request notes / poems / pictures or other things from close friends of your wife to share on her birthday

⁃ Buy shares of stock in a company she likes so she can follow it

⁃ Hide a gift in their luggage or order something special when they are on a trip

Chapter 5 – Acts of Service:

⁃ Most relationships endure years of arguing, stress, fighting, questioning if they should be together

Often men want women to change their needs to fit their solutions.

⁃ There are certain acts of service that are more meaningful than others that matter to your partner

⁃ Three categories:

1. Impact — you could spend an entire weekend doing chores around the house and not add a drop to your partners love tank, but could order Chinese takeout and fill up her love tank; your not judged by the time or amount of what you do rather the impact you create (many people work hard at the wrong tasks)

⁃ learn what is an effective act of service

⁃ Ask partner to create a dream list of acts of service that would be largely effective (chores, projects)

2. Initiative — take initiative as soon as you can once you have the list of what will make biggest impact; your partner does not want to have to remind you of the things she wants you to do; need to do with drive, discipline and dedication
3. Attitude — service w a smile just as critical as the activity itself; if you’re resentful while performing it they will not appreciate it; should be excited to do something meaningful for your partner; should be done w humility, don’t make a big deal out of it; don’t play hero card

⁃ Cannot demand things from a partner, rather communicate your wishes and what you’d want

⁃ Mistakes are inevitable when trying to learn each others love languages

⁃ Acts of service phrase book

1. Chores that partner gives up hope of ever getting done — do it for her
2. Don’t always announce what you do for your partner
3. Get a cleaning service or pay for someone to take over a responsibility that they really want
4. Think of most frequent complaints and go overboard in trying to prevent them
5. Supporting during tough times
6. If she always seems rushed in the morning, find ways to give a little extra time for her by doing something (making the lunch, etc)

Chapter 6 – Physical Touch:

Our busy world & emotional issues often result in a lack of physical touch regularly in many relationships.

⁃ If this is her love language, think of her as a super toucher

⁃ Can sense love and affection in the slightest contact, even the slightest contact has the potential to thrill her and brighten her mood

⁃ The closer she is to someone, the more she enjoys physical touch from that person and the withholding of it from her closest people has potential to cause tremendous pain and anxiety — more than you can imagine — this makes or breaks the relationship

⁃ A tender hug shouts love and affection

⁃ When it is not given, she takes it personally, she may lose self-esteem, she may feel lonely even when surrounded by friends and family, she may worry about the status of her relationships — this is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

Strategies for Improving Physical Touch:

1. Take a baseline review — before bed do a review with your physical touch that day, write down every time you kissed her, hugged her, rubbed her, grabbed around waist, high fived, playfully wrestled with her, or rubbed shoulder, caressed hair, initiated foot to foot contact, or any other meaningful, affectionate contact and be as comprehensive as possible w your list, resist the urge to inflate the numbers to make yourself look better because this is just for yourself, once you have created this list you have a baseline to look at ways you can do better (ie look at certain touches are underrepresented or over where you can try to do better)
2. Mark dates in your calendar to evaluate how you are doing with this; keep an index card for weekly review
3. Nice touch — not all touches are created equally; pay attention to which ones she likes best, don’t insist in doing it your way, do it her way; implicit love touches require time, effort, energy and planning; touch every time you leave and enter the home; you are limited only by your imagination;
4. Secretive contact at a restaurant could greatly enhance your relationship and experiences

⁃ NOTE: you are learning to speak HER physical touch language, NOT YOURS

⁃ Your partner draws the line on what touching is appropriate and not

⁃ Any betrayal in this area will be traumatic who’s primary love language is physical touch

⁃ If sexual intercourse is primary, you should be reading about and looking at ways to improve this part of your relationship

⁃ Make touching your partner a part of your morning and evening routine; change your routines to encourage more of this touching

Ideas:

1. Sit side by side at a restaurant if you usually sit across from each other and touch each other
2. Set aside time on a night to test touching different parts of her body to see what she likes and ask for thumbs up or down and make mental note
3. Try changing sides of the bed you’re sleeping on
4. Check out websites/books for body massage techniques
5. Think back to beginning of relationship and areas of physical touch that gave you thrill and try to rekindle
6. If she’s sick, touch her forehead — touch will have healing powers w them
7. For a period of time try only communicating w her in physical touch
8. When laying in bed, write phrases on her back (like I adore you) and see if she can guess what you are writing

Chapter 7 – What’s Your Love Language?:

Many couples operate under false assumptions about their love languages and spend time, effort, and energy trying to do things for their partners that are not having the intended affect because they are not what your partner truly wants, desires, or needs.

⁃ For men, seminal fluids build up in the seminal track and hence a desire for release physically is triggered

⁃ Sexual desire if different from the emotional need to feel love / physical touch

⁃ Chances are that what you are doing for your partner, good chance that it is your love language — how do you consciously indicate love to your partner?

⁃ Whatever your partner requests most often of you is usually an indication of their love language

⁃ Follow the sound of the criticism — they tend to criticize each other in the area where they are most need love — ask “can you explain why this is so critical to you?” (Ie playing golf keeps me from being able to provide words of affirmation or physical touch)

⁃ Try taking the 5 love languages profile / test online

⁃ It is possible that your love tank could have been empty for so long you don’t remember what it’s like to be loved

⁃ Ask yourself: “what did I like about my partner when we first met? What did she do or say that made me love her?” If you can conjure those memories up it will tell your something about your love language

⁃ Write down both of your love languages, what you think the others are and the rest in order of importance and then compare

⁃ Love tank game — 2 times a week ask each other where their love tank is on a scale of 0-10; 10 being full enough, 0 needing lots; then ask each other what you can do to help fill it up further — can be a playful way for stimulating love in relationship

⁃ In order to become fluent in your partners love language, you have to step out of your comfort zone and make sacrifices to speak in their language; and you must show appreciating and gratitude to each other as you both try to learn each other’s

Identifying Your Own Love Language:

1. Ask yourself, what does partner do or fail to do that hurts you the most? The opposite of that is likely your love language
2. What have you most often requested from your partner? That is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved
3. In what way do you regularly show love? That is likely the way in which you want to be shown love — your method of expressing may also be what would make you feel loved

Chapter 8 – Troubleshooting:

⁃ Figure out what’s wrong with the relationship and make changes to improve the relationship, determine if able to be fixed

⁃ Choose to address silent resentment and problems that have transpired in time over the relationship

⁃ I’m sorry, I know I’ve hurt you. But I would like to make the future different, I would like to love you in your language and meet your needs; this helps to create an emotional climate to deal with last problems in the relationship

⁃ Being in love and feeling emotional love are very different; in love is instinctual vs the feeling for love is a conscious choice that one makes meet your partners emotional need for love

⁃ It doesn’t matter if speaking your partners love language doesn’t come naturally, you can make a conscious choice to love your partner, when it doesn’t come naturally to you, it’s 100% expression of love

⁃ Love is something you do for someone else, not for yourself, it is to meet your partners emotional need — it’s a choice and the process can start any time you want

Chapter 9 – Dealing with Anger:

⁃ Our behavior is an extension of who we are — anger can build up from criticisms; many couples suffer in silence and withdrawal from each other

⁃ Uncontrolled anger seeks to hurt and destroy

1. Acknowledge your anger; it’s okay to be angry; When we give each other the right to be angry, give each other the right to be human
2. When you are angry, tell each other — you can’t work on problems you are unaware of
3. Acknowledge that explosive expressions of anger are wrong — agree that the other will walk away when the exploding starts to give the other person space to calm down
4. Agree to seek an explanation before passing judgment; treat it as a first impression and not a confirmed fact until you hear her side of the story; it’s very easy to misinterpret; knee jerk reactions are bad; give each other the benefit of the doubt and seek explanations before getting angry
5. Agree to seek a resolution
6. Agree to affirm your love for each other — tell each other you love each other — admission of the wrong doing, a change in behavior and forgiveness are required (and if the partner jumped to conclusions they must admit mistake)

⁃ Angry men 3x more at risk of heart attack

⁃ Write “I’m feeling angry right now, but don’t worry I’m not going to attack you, is this a good time to talk? If not, set a time to discuss. Always acknowledge that you could be misunderstanding the situation when you are angry

Chapter 10 – The Art of Apologizing:

⁃ What is your go to strategy for restoring intimacy and addressing sore spots in the relationship?

⁃ What does it take to do an apology well — Sincerity — challenge is people consider sincerity differently than others

⁃ 5 languages of apologies:

1. Express regret — emotional aspect of an apology — acknowledges your guilt, pain and shame of what you did and show assurance that you know what she is feeling

⁃ be sincere

⁃ be specific because what you think you may have done wrong might not be what your partner is upset about

⁃ NEVER FOLLOW APOLOGY WITH A BUT OR AN EXCUSE — at that point it becomes an attack — this cancels out the apology — focus on how your behavior is related to her pain

2. Admit you were wrong — we rationalize, blame others, or shift responsibility elsewhere because we don’t want to say we were wrong
3. Making restitution — our desire for making things right is imperative, hurtful actions require us to be reassured that our partner still loves us — ask — what can I do to show you I still love you? Try to repair what’s been wrong, often this can be done by focusing on your partners love language
4. Genuine repentance — doing the same things over and over that bother your partner — recognize your present behavior is destructive and choose to change your behavior; must be clear intent for change and verbalize your intent and stop making excuses
5. Requesting forgiveness — important because shows you want to see your relationship restored, shows you realize you have done something wrong or offended your partner, shows you are willing to put the future of your relationship in the hands of your partner and shows you trust them

Sex is meant to be our unique expression of commitment to each other

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

⁃ What if you’re partners love language is difficult? Start with small steps, keep an index card and keep track and you’ll become proficient over time; make a list of words of affirmation that you can say regularly to your partner

⁃ Our deepest emotional need is to feel loved and if we have a partner, knowing that that person loves you deeply is perhaps the most critical thing in your life

⁃ If your partner does not speak your love language, you need to be patient with them and communicate your needs